I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
