dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
wow bdsm is so cute
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
