I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
