Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
