I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
