margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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