I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
