I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
