you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
