cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
