"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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