Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
