I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
