I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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