sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
