Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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