omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
