Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
