note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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