Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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