Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
