I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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