the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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