but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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