My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
