i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Never underestimate the power of titties
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
