You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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