you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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