My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
