I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
