I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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