Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
