Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
