I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
