I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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