just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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