I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
