I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
