dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
