Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh god it's open bar.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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