I want to have your abortion
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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