either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
