Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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