YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
