if i can run in heels then i can drive
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
