i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
