Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
