Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
