shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He better not be in your backpack
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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