If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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