i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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